Yesterday I prioritized my kids. I made playtime a priority. While there are many moms who have no problem engaging in play or focused activity with their kids, I struggle. Out of all of the “buckets” that exist in our vocation as wives and mothers, spending time with my kids takes the most effort. And I think I know why.
First of all, if you’re new here or not one of Mary’s Roses, you may have no idea what I’m talking about regarding buckets. Last Lent I was pondering over the many books I read and they fell into 7 categories:
- God
- Self-care/growth
- Marriage
- Child development (relationship with kids)
- Homeschooling
- Homemaking
- Meal planning/recipe books
These then became the seven buckets. The goal is to keep each bucket from going dry. That means that daily we’re ideally pouring at least a little bit into each bucket and then possibly spending a “focus” day on each one. The focus day is when you may spend an hour meal planning or perhaps take that long bike ride. I’ve been able to “double up” a lot of focus days by combining buckets. A long bike ride with the family can check off the kid and possibly marriage bucket as well, though marriage is one of my favorite buckets so I tend to fill that up quite a bit.
Okay, so back to this prioritizing kid thing. I know rationally that when I do my nightly examen, if I have intentionally spent time with each child I know I’ve done God’s Will. I have no excuse for not spending a focused 10-20 minutes with each child. That’s less than one hour out of my whole day! If I had more kids, I’d simply rotate days on a loop schedule.
So why is it so hard to make this happen? Why do I end up confessing that I was selfish and didn’t make that time for what they wanted to do?
Why Is This So Hard?
I think it’s weariness and fear on my part. Let me explain. My kids are amazing and they’re both into all sorts of fun stuff, but some of these activities are not fun for me. So, when I ask my kids, especially my son “What do you want to do with Mom?” I hold my breath. Because when he inevitably suggests something that I don’t want to do, if I say “no” he can get pretty disappointed. And up until about 2 days ago, this sadness would trigger either a flight response (get away from the negative emotion, now!) or an anger response (how can he do this to me?).
I’m faced with either a playtime that is a bit of a burden or his sadness. Perhaps it’s an act of charity to play whatever he wants and die to self, but I’m conflicted. I’ve read that giving in to another’s emotions like that and just “going along” can actually teach our children some damaging messages about their own worth. But perhaps it’s my own vice I need to work out. As for his sadness, up until recently it would be incredibly uncomfortable and I think I have avoided this question because up until recently, it would set off a big reaction in my own heart.
If you want to know how I am changing how I respond to emotions, check out Morning Musings #4.
Solution
So what do I do to make sure I spend that time with my kids? The only thing I can think of is to create a list that contains activities that are pleasing to both of us. While, again, perhaps I am supposed to grit my teeth and out of charity do whatever makes my children happy, I think there’s a lesson here in finding a mutually pleasing task.
I’ve decided to break it down into four categories: inside (low energy and high energy) and outside (low energy and high energy). Some days I can’t wait to jump on the trampoline, go on a bike ride, or run around the house. But other days I need some quiet game or even Mario Kart because my body is tired. Again, I could push through this, and when I have in the past it’s always turned out well, but again, I think the bigger goal for me is to get past this mental block regarding focused activity with the kids in general.
Yesterday, I ended up playing Catan for Kids (one of my favorite games) with Chloe. I won, and even winning I must hold my breath a bit and grit my teeth because if she won it would have been a more joyful end to the game. But good sportsmanship will come and I’ve seen progress.
When I asked Neil he came up with a few ideas but I decided to offer my own. “Do you want to bake peanut butter cookies with me?” He immediately lit up. “Can I crack the egg??” “Of course!” Since my heartwork around meal planning and cooking has improved my relationship with the kitchen, this was an enjoyable way to spend time with him and I didn’t have the anxiety over perfection I would have had in the past.
My Challenge For You
If you struggle to find time for your kids, I do think it could be because interests don’t align. Yet, I bet if you started to dig you could find mutually agreeable activities that brought you both closer to each other while actually enjoying yourselves.
So, figure out what YOU like to do. How do you enjoy spending your time? And then see how you can fit your kids into that activity so that they get one-on-one time with you, because it’s in those moments of focused attention that so many beautiful conversations and life lessons occur.
Some Ideas
Outside – high energy
- Bike riding
- Trampoline
- Obstacle course
- Walk to park and play
- Twister (inside or out)
Outside – low energy
- Walk (short or long)
- Chalk drawing
Inside – high energy
- Hide and seek (for some reason this game is draining to me)
- Rough house/tickle fight
Inside – low energy
- Read aloud
- Board games (create actual list of ones I like)
- Needlework (Neil and I enjoy cross-stitch)
- Baking
What would you add to the list?