As you know, I’m reading the book How We Love. Essentially it is how we feel (or don’t feel) our emotions and how we express them. Focused on love styles in marriage, the book leads the reader through a description of each style and then the “dance” that occurs when the two styles come together.
The five styles are:
- The Avoider: avoids feeling emotions “I’m fine”
- The Pleaser: wants everyone to be happy and focuses on other’s feelings
- The Vacillator: idealizes romance, wants intimacy but finds it hard to trust
- The Controller
- The Victim
Typically the controller/victim dance is done together as this comes most commonly from chaotic childhoods and the individual either comes out of that experience with a strong sense that NOW they won’t be pushed around, or continuing in the victim role. As a side note, the chapter on the controller really helped give me insight into these terribly sad souls who don’t have the tools necessary to live more peaceful and safe lives.
My Style
I am a Pleaser. While I never think of myself as someone who can’t say no, is taken advantage of, or who is always scurrying around to make sure no one is mad at me, when it comes to my marriage I am 100% a pleaser. Pleasers function from a place of anxiety and fear. While many of the other styles experience anger, this is unusual for a pleaser, who is more concerned that the other person is happy. We’re always taking the emotional pulse of our marriage and attempting to “fix” it.
Reading the book was like someone looking into my soul. I’ve always wanted to find a book on emotional health because I knew something was missing. When Ryan gets upset with me in any way I freeze and can’t really function until he’s happy again. If he is experiencing sorrow or anxiety, I try to fix it, telling him “Go talk to God” with the hopes it’ll be over soon. This is not his fault, it’s my love style. I want our environment to be calm and relaxed and orderly at all times for my own emotional health.
Beginning the Work
There’s some quote I vaguely remember about how knowledge is the majority of the solution. That’s what this book has given me so far: deep knowledge into why I do what I do, why Ryan and I do the “dance” we do in conflict, and what to start working on from here.
This week has been full of deep conversations and tears. I am SO thankful for my husband, who honestly has been longing for me to be honest with him about my emotions for 21 years, but I didn’t have the words nor the courage to do so. At least not all of the time, not 100%. Ryan’s done some incredible work on himself since I met him at 18. He has really reflected on his own struggles and done a lot of self-reflection to get to a much better place. He’s such an amazing guy and I’ve always been so appreciative that he has been willing to do the work to grow into a calmer and gentler man.
Yet, it’s easier to blame the one with the big emotions. Now it’s time to work on me. I am so tired of functioning from a place of anxiety, fear, heaviness, and responsibility.
One of the “soul words” that I rarely feel is “lighthearted.” I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that. Life is serious to me and I approach it all that way, soldiering forward through the day with a sense of overwhelm that is always at my side, sometimes as barely a whisper and at other times a full-fledged rain cloud overhead. This kind of self-reflection and honesty with myself has been hard but important work.
Yesterday I cried for myself, lamenting the fact that I have spent 39 years processing emotions in an anxious way, living with a level of anxiety that has become normal. Yet, here I am on Oct. 15, 2022 on a healthier path. The rest of my life is before me, however long that is. God is so good. I am so incredibly grateful for this grace and I pray that it was in time to undo any harm I may have done to my own children. Yet, I know God is working on their hearts as well, as He is in all that are open to His Love and Grace.
Progress Already
Imprints are not undone overnight, but since reading the book one thing that has been a big improvement is that I am allowing other people to have negative emotions around me. I don’t take it personally. I don’t think I need to fix it. Even if Ryan shows a moment of frustration, I don’t need to assume it’s because of me or try to solve it quickly. Instead, my heart stays calm and I continue with what I’m doing, knowing that they are allowed to express themselves and that it will all be okay after they do so.
Kids are loud. Loudness increases my anxiety, I realized. But now that I know that, I can say to myself “Yes, Laura, the kids are being loud. That doesn’t mean you’re not safe or that anything is wrong. They are being kids and you can find joy that your kids feel safe enough to be loud and play in a big way.”
Consider This For Yourself
If you struggle with your emotions, whether it be anger, sadness, a complete lack of emotions, a longing for closeness you never seem to get (so that’s likely all of us) I really suggest the book and workbook. The workbook has taken this journey to another level and again, opened up conversations with Ryan that I didn’t realize I needed and he longed for.
Resources
LoveStyle Quiz: the workbook has a more thorough diagnosis tool, but this is a good starting point
Book: see if your library has it on digital or audio!
Workbook: essential to get to a deeper place and open up conversation with your spouse in a concrete way
Note: There is a parenting book on love styles, but I would encourage you to start with marriage. As Catholics marriage is our number one relationship outside of God and the best gift you can give your children is a strong, healthy marriage. This book will change your parenting as you learn healthier ways to deal with emotions in general. I do plan on reading the parenting book next.