Let me walk you through yesterday, because the amount of awareness and growth that occurred should have been overwhelming, but of course it was “just right” as God is in control of it all.
My Motherhood Morning
My day started out pretty normal. I did some pilates. We started homeschool 30 minutes late … and Neil argued. A lot. Usually I don’t really notice it but since Ryan was home it was called to my attention more. Piano lessons ended with Neil in tears after finally being corrected by dad.
Again, this is all fairly normal, other than a stronger-than-usual pull to “fix Neil” based on the typical fear response I get when my kids act less than perfect. Poor Neil. The kid is just being a kid, yet we expect him to act, and honestly have always expected him to act, closer to Chloe’s maturity than his own.
After a few minutes, I go downstairs and chat with Neil. He’s highly verbal and mainly sanguine so within a 10 minute talk he’s all smiles again and it’s mostly resolved, though I end up going to Ryan and asking “What should we do about Neil’s disobedience?” (this is set up for what’s coming … hang on to your hat because it starts to get intense!)
Three Big Lies
Early that afternoon, I go to the grocery store alone. I will usually listen to a podcast while shopping to make it a more pleasant experience. I’ve decided to work my way from the beginning with the Catholic Mom Made for Greatness podcast. This podcast is all about mindset life coaching and I never come away from an episode without real growth.
The episode I was on, Three Big Lies, had me floored. I’ll tell you the three lies quickly but I really encourage all Catholic moms to listen to this episode!
- “S/he shouldn’t …” (he or she should because it’s developmentally appropriate),
- “You’re a bad mom.” (no … you’re a mom and you’re a great mom because God doesn’t make mistakes), and
- “It’ll be better when ….” (we only have the present moment and every moment will come with its own struggles and joys).
After the morning I had with Neil, this podcast was as if God was speaking directly to me. He SHOULD be arguing. He SHOULD be disobedient. Those are the developmentally appropriate responses an 8-year-old boy has with his mother. And then my responsibility is to respond with clear boundaries and kind but firm consequences. I’m actually sitting here looking forward to school, knowing that he will act eight no matter what intentions he sets for himself, and I will (with God’s grace) respond from a place of peace knowing that just as a child learning to walk is expected to fall, I expect this and there doesn’t need to be any fear.
Moving on to Marriage
Okay, that amount of growth was enough, right? Nope. God had a lot more in store for me! See, Ryan’s going through a bit of depression right now, a bit of anger and sorrow. He is quite comfortable with his feelings in general and has always expressed them. “I just need to work through it.” But what do I do when he is anything but joyful? I try to fix it. Because negative feelings make me very uncomfortable.
Why Feelings Matter
Later, I’m making dinner and I decide to listen to the next Made for Greatness episode: Why Feelings Matter. I’m not a big feelings person. I’ve come to learn that the demons can influence our feelings in a big way so I tend to dismiss a lot of them, as well as just naturally being a more rational and less emotive person. But here we go again…. So I’m listening to this podcast and Sterling is talking about this book How We Love. She mentions feeling charts and that this book made her cry and so was warning us that if we read it, to be prepared. I was intrigued.
The whole episode was mainly about marriage but also mentioned children as well. I know that a rich feelings vocabulary is really important to a child’s development, but I suspected that I personally had lacked that same lexicon and still do. Our marriage right now is really good, but I was drawn to the fact that the authors were married 14 years before they found a real solution to their typical marriage dance. You know, that fight or that “issue” that always pops up, over and over. So I downloaded the book and started listening. I mean, she warned me …
How We Love
Within the first three chapters I had some deep realizations about my own relationship with feelings. I finally understood that the way I approached feelings (or didn’t approach them) was based on how I grew up. Now, I am not a huge fan of “blaming” everything on my childhood. We are children of God and as such we need to look to Him for all things. All humans, including myself, are very imperfect and flawed and do their best with what they have at the time. Yet, this concept explained so much about why I really struggle to explain myself when I’m upset, why I tend to go inside myself if I am experiencing emotions, why I try to “fix” other people’s feelings, why I get mad when my children are mopey or sad at all, and why I struggle to be around sadness especially.
So with all of this in my heart (and I kept saying “I probably need to put this book down” but didn’t) we prayed our family rosary and even more truths came flooding in.
The Takeaway
The takeaway from this very intense afternoon and evening of self-growth was that I need to 1. focus on what I can do when I’m feeling uncomfortable with someone else’s sadness, how I can serve them, 2. practice trusting Ryan that if we are in an uncomfortable discussion, that I can share my feelings and they will be heard and validated – he’s told me over and over he wants to know what’s going on, 3. teach my children a feelings vocabulary and stop trying to get them to shut down their emotions. It pains me when I realize I did exactly what one of the parents in the book did – told my child to go to their room if they are going to cry …, and, 4. work on accepting negative feelings that come into my heart, allowing them to be signals, not moments of panic and fear.
So … that was what happened yesterday. If you are struggling in your marriage, check out the book. If you don’t handle negative feelings well (or even positive feelings), read the book. I’ve begun a journey that will likely last a few more days as I continue to lean into whatever this book is sharing with me. But that’s the joy of growth – it’s work for sure, but when we live in the Sacrament of the Present Moment, we come to learn that what God places in our paths is exactly what we need, when we need it, to continue to become the people He created us to be.
How are you with emotions?