Sins of the tongue. They’ve always been my most difficult sins to overcome. As Jesus says “It’s not what comes in through your mouth that defiles you but what comes out.” (see Matt 15:18). Our heart is known by our words. I think vows of silence hold some wisdom; so many sins are avoided this way! And if you don’t voluntarily silence yourself, sometimes God has to step in.
My Illness
When I started my YouTube channel in February 2018, I thought “Yes! I finally have found a way to use God’s talents that He has given me. I can find and share ideas that add value to my life so as to bring value to others as well.” Most of my family and some of my friends found this desire to share everything I read or heard a bit annoying. Or, let’s face it, very annoying. But now strangers seemed thankful that I was letting them in on what I found helpful while navigating this Valley of Tears.
Fast forward to today. Many souls have been assisted by God’s use of my tongue. I am so grateful for all of those moments. I thought I was still on the right track, coming back with live videos to share more with you. Perhaps I still am. But on Wednesday, Sept 22 He decided that I needed to go quiet. Slowly, over the next week my mouth would become more and more painful. I would be misdiagnosed and spend another week trying all sorts of home remedies that had nothing to do with the virus that was raging in my mouth.
Over three weeks later I received what I can only hope is a proper diagnosis, with instructions that it should clear up on its own soon. As Father Jean Baptiste Saint-Jure says in Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence (book below), “We ought to conform to the will of God in sickness and infirmity and wish for what He sends us, both at the time it comes and for the the time it lasts and with al the circumstances attending it.” (58).
So I do my best to help myself heal while wishing for only what He sends me, with His timing. I had plans today to get on camera. Instead, I woke up with pain and set aside those plans, knowing it’ll have to wait. As I started my day, I instead asked Him how He would like to use me today. He said “Write about the silence.”
Sins and Silence
Back to the sins of the tongue. When you’re silent, you cannot sin through the tongue. You can’t have a harsh tone, say something snarky or bark a command. You can’t gossip or engage in idle chatter. Every word, especially when painful, takes on new importance. You start to notice how your family has been trained to only half-listen, because your chatter is almost incessant; idle and important words normally intertwined so that no one knows when it’s important to pay full attention. And let’s face it – getting someone’s full attention every time you open your mouth to speak is almost impossible. Do you give every auditory sound from another human your full attention? If you have a smart phone, or like to read or write, or own a computer, chances are no.
When God silenced me, I realized that He was doing me a favor. As always is the case with any kind of cross or illness. He’s an all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God who is outside of time. If you get a trial, it’s for your benefit. Take it as such. Every cross, big or small, is for our sanctification, and with eternity as our only goal, we should attempt to welcome them. It’s hard. We’re fallen humans with insolent, bratty, childish minds who rail against suffering. “But I don’t want to carry this cross!” “It hurts!” “I want to be like everyone else!” “It’s not fair!” are only some of the thoughts, even if fleeting, that can pass through our minds as we carry our cross toward Calvary. The cure for this is to gaze at His Cross, to walk the Way of the Cross with Him. Suddenly our yoke is easy, our burden light.
Silence brought me to a very raw, deep place internally. I realized how attached I was to speaking, to sharing, to that very real enjoyment I get from dialogue, rich conversation, and discussion. You could argue that my basest passion is gluttony of the tongue. Only by having that thing truly taken away could I see how much time I spent in talking. And talking isn’t an explicit sin, the way lust is. It’s more refined; your tongue tiptoes between virtue and vice, bouncing back and forth sometimes effortlessly. There’s no distinct line. It suddenly appears only too late, after it’s been crossed.
Yesterday God loosed my tongue and I popped on IG to spill out all of the things I had been yearning to say for days. God didn’t mind. He allowed it. He used me in that moment. But now He’s closed my mouth again. I can talk but it’s uncomfortable and difficult. I don’t mind as much now. I see what He is doing. I know He will heal me in His timing. But it’s possible I failed my test yesterday and he’s put me back in time out. I got too excited, too eager.
Carrying Our Cross
Whatever cross you are carrying right now, do your best to accept it with grace. Pray a lot. Continually. Read spiritual books. Read the daily Bible readings. Listen to holy priests expound on the Saints. Serve your family well, as best you can, in the suffering, yet allow them to carry you. (If you suffer from pride as your main vice, this will be hard for you.)
If so inclined, share your vice that God is working on in this moment. He is always whittling us down, refining us in the fire of His Love.
“Those whom I love, I reprove and chastise.” – Rev. 3:19
Our only goal should be to give glory to God in this life so that we may spend eternity with Him. So give up the idea of what you think life should look like and instead embrace what God has in store for you. His plan is always better than our own.