I only have two children. They are three years and three months apart. Currently Chloe is 12 and Neil is 8. If I’m honest, over the years, especially as Neil has gotten older, I have expected him to act more and more like his sister, especially in situations that require self-control, like lessons. After yesterday’s events, I realize that I need to appreciate his littleness, to be very focused on age-appropriate lessons, expectations and parenting. Only God knows if He will bless me with more children, so right now I really need to soak in all of his littleness, all of the ways he is still my little guy.
The Fall
Without going into all of the details, geography reared its head again and this time I just lost it. My expectations were too high, both for myself and my kids. I wasn’t giving anyone grace. Instead of enjoying a bit of time pouring over a map together, I got into “school teacher” mode, the last place a Charlotte Mason educator should be, and it turned ugly, fast.
After the tears and apologies, and actually a very wonderful day of lessons (we enjoyed Brahms immensely!), I spent some time reflecting on what had happened and why it had happened. Beyond hormones, our life’s current completely unstable state, isolation from family, and the other usual stressors these days, I uncovered that I was expecting my little 8-year-old Neil to act like his much-more-mature 12-year-old sister when it came to map work.
Dealing with secondary infertility, either because the reversal didn’t work or for some other unknown reason, is hard. I don’t think it matters how many kids someone has – we are made by God to carry life and give birth and nurse and all the rest. As I walk this path of unknown, of possibly “never”, it causes me to reflect on my own two kids, their journey to childhood. Chloe will be a teen next year. While I am so thankful that I have been home their whole lives to be their guide, philosopher, and friend, there have been many distractions. And now I see that expectations can be a whole new distraction away from what is really important. Why do I wish so badly for Neil to act 12 at times while also longing for him to stay little?
What Now?
I closed my eyes and pictured a perfect school day with Neil. What was my favorite time now? What subjects are currently going well? The picture that came to mind was the two of us snuggled under a blanket together reading through books, looking at pictures, head to head, all cozy. This is the ideal education I have in mind for him, at least in the subjects that can be taught this way. We do this while he reads Frog and Toad and Berenstain Bears to me and it’s one of my favorite moments of the day. Why can’t most of our school be this way?
Much of our morning is spent together. I’ve always taught them this way – together, one schoolroom for whatever subjects I could. So far it’s worked out. But as Chloe gets older, really since last year, her attention and capability to focus has taken off, as well as her attention to detail. It’s been a learning experience to figure out what she can do with us and what she needs to do on her own. In the past week, I handed her her own history and she seems to be doing well. I also notice that when Neil and I are one-on-one (and my expectations are lowered), our lessons are really enjoyable.
Chloe’s solution for European geography was to keep them together but teach to both levels. Since this is our first year with the CMEC I would like her to be exposed to these countries as well, especially living in Germany currently. We are excited to hopefully visit the cathedral in Cologne! So I may try this, but with clipboards on the couch, to encourage me, more than anyone, to remember the point of all of this: spreading a feast and taking in what the Holy Ghost wishes to be taken in.
Neil has always been the most loving, forgiving child I’ve ever met. He wakes up every morning beaming and starts acting silly, or asking questions, almost immediately. I never have to worry about him because I know God has a very special path for that boy. Yet, he sanctifies me almost every day as his big antics and unending stream of words can exhaust me. I think also, I can get too wrapped up in preparing him for the future, when God has that!
So, today, I plan on hugging him more, ruffling his hair, looking him in the eye, and truly allowing him to be eight, all day, in all the ways. I don’t need to pull him up to 12, not even for a moment, because one day very soon he will be 12 and I will miss that little 8-year-old whose self-control needed a bit of work and who blasted off his chair at the slightest hint he could (or not).
If I could give advice to mothers at any stage of childhood but especially with those 7 and under: let your child act as they will, for that age. Repeat “he should draw on the wall” or “she should interrupt 20 times a day.” That doesn’t mean you don’t kindly and firmly correct, but say it with me “our kids should act their age.” It is such a freeing thought and one that leads to a much closer bond.
After note: I wrote this Thursday morning, before school. We did lessons on the couch that day, and I found that the more unitive and non-school room setting really helped me to stay in “happy mom mode” and not “high-expectation teacher mode”. Thank you Lord for always guiding me towards what is good and right and just.